Another LONG one, and it's not so light hearted...good luck!
Confession: I've never dated. I've always been afraid of "feelings".
I get all kinds of emotional at the thought of "lost love". I cry when celebrities get divorced. I cry when I have to break up with my literary boyfriends (aka...I finish a book). I cry when friends break up.
I place high value on every friendship, so when I lose a friend I have a really hard time. So I never wanted to have a "boyfriend" because I know there is no way I would ever recover from losing him.
I am (or was) a huge fan of the friend zone!
So the idea of online "dating" scared the pants off of me. I expressed my trepidation to my friends that wanted me to "go online". In return, I got a few different pieces of advice over and over:
#1: "Don't take things too seriously!"
#2: "Just have fun!"
#3: "You won't have any contact with anyone for a week or two, and then it'll flood in!"
#3: "You won't have any contact with anyone for a week or two, and then it'll flood in!"
#4: "The first person you talk to is going to be a jerk, but don't let that stop you!"
Advice in mind, I joined a site, and after two hours or surfing the man catalog I found a guy that seemed worth of saying, "Hello", to. I'm going to call him Goliath for a few reasons, one being that he is 6'8.
Not expecting to hear from him for a week or so (or at all) I kept surfing, and was 100% surprised when he emailed me back right away. (Advice #3 thrown out the window!)
After a few days of multiple emails he sent the, "So...you wanna text?" email.
Our "text sessions" would start at about 11am, and end at about 2am. We had amazing, fun, flirty, informative, TWO SIDED conversations. There were periods of time that he, or I, would leave for an hour or two, because most of our texting was while we were both at work, but we always came back to our conversation as though it hadn't ever ended. He has one of those jobs that automatically makes someone sexy. I was questioning if he ACTUALLY had his job, because it was just one more thing that made him really ridiculously attractive. One night he talked about the uniform he wears at work, and I told him he should send me a picture of himself IN the uniform so I could see it! Which wasn't an odd request, mind you, because we had both at this point sent several picture messages to each other. Let me just tell you, he is very, very attractive (sigh...). Unfortunately he wasn't in a position where he could take a "selfie" (or so he said) so I was going to have to wait. He did send some pictures of the "equipment" he was working with, which was enough of a confirmation for me that he was actually employed in the job he said he was.
After several days I decided piece of advice #4 could be thrown out the window too! Not only was Goliath good looking, he was nice..and funny...and he was enjoying getting to know me, just as much as I was enjoying getting to know him.
He initiated most of our conversations, which was great, because no one wants to be that girl who is always the first to text. On day 9 of our friendship I had text him first, so on day 10 it was his turn. I had a hard time not starting our conversation, because I was having SO MUCH FUN talking to and getting to know him. My patience paid off when at 8:30pm I got a picture message from him, a picture of him in his work "uniform". Oh boy...! He said that his job fulfilled a childhood dream of his, and guess what...seeing him in his uniform fulfilled a childhood dream of mine. Haha! We started our usual texting banter of questions and conversation. It was his turn to ask a POINTLESS question, when he came up with this, "When was your last serious relationship?"
Oh boy...
Here it is...
Time to confess how much of a loser I am.
The conversation:
Me: Well that's not pointless!
Goliath: Sorry :)
Me: Sorry as in I don't have to answer, or sorry as in I still want to know :-)?
Goliath: Sorry it's really none of my concern.
Then I thought, "Why not just tell him! It's going to come up later anyway if we ever "become" anything other than text friends." So I told him that I've never been in a "serious" relationship. I've never even been in a NOT serious relationship. That I'd never given anyone the chance to be my "boyfriend" because I never wanted to get my heart broken. That I cry when I lose friends, and I cry when my friends lose their friends. That I cry when strangers get divorced, so I never thought I could handle a breakup! That I've had lots of GREAT "guy friends", but they never left the friend-zone.
To which he replied, "Stupid friend zone!"
The rest of the conversation:
Me: None of those guys were right for me anyway. I wasn't ready for a relationship, so it's good that they were in the friend-zone!
Goliath: I've run from every one of my relationships.
Me: Because you are a heart breaker? Or you don't want to get your heart broken?
Goliath: The latter.
Me: Aren't we a little old to be running away from relationships?
Goliath: Have you ever been walked on repeatedly?
Me: No, cause I never let it get that far. I have no desire to walk on someone, I'm just trying to find someone to walk BESIDE :)
Goliath: My ex-wife cheated on me, and I took her back.
Me: Sometimes girls suck...you shouldn't have to live through that again!
Goliath: I won't!
Me: I learned (after a hilarious series of events last summer) that I'll never "find someone" if I think no one can ever love me for me, and YOU'll never find someone, Goliath, if you think all women are going to treat you like your ex-girlfriends.
Goliath: You mean my ex-wife?
Me: Anyone that made you question if they really loved you!
He didn't reply right away, which was normal, because he sometimes got called off to do things at work. But it was only 11:30, and we always text until like 2am. I sent this text, "Should we go back to pointless questions? Or do you want to keep talking about this? Because I really am fine with either."
He didn't reply.
I got home from work and waited, and waited, and waited for a text.
Meanwhile, my 18 month old niece, (who sleeps at my house on Tuesday nights) was having AWFUL night terrors. So I'd fall asleep, and wake up to her screaming, then check my phone, and fall asleep, and wake up, and check my phone.
At 5am, I was a little delirious. I sent him this message, "For the first time ever I've been tossing and turning all night waiting for a text that is obviously NEVER coming, Did I say something wrong?"
And no reply came.
So like the idiot I am, wanting to make everything right, hoping I hadn't offended him, I messaged him at 10am the next morning, asking if I we were ok. Saying that maybe this is why we need to have a phone conversation so that he could hear the inflections I put into my words. Plus then I could see if he had a sexy Texan accent ;-)
No reply came.
So like the even BIGGER idiot I am, I sent a message at 5pm saying, "If you are busy I understand! Just shoot me a message so I know we are ok, and if we AREN'T ok, let's talk about it! I don't want our friendship to end on a bad note."
No reply came.
A few days later I text him again (We have already established that I'm an idiot...ok) and said, "Will you please respond to this so that I know you are being a comprehensive and unmitigated ass (name the movie and I'll give you a million dollars :-) ) instead of worrying that you are floating in a river waiting for someone with night vision goggles to come find you." (The river and night vision goggles were in reference to a conversation we had had...I wasn't just being morbid...haha)
No reply came.
Day 10 was our last conversation.
He never talked to me again.
I'm sure most people are thinking..."You only talked for 10 days...big deal!"
But it WAS a big deal. HE was a big deal.
He was the first guy to pay attention to me, to flatter me, to act like he cared, that made me feel worthwhile! Plus he fit a lot of the things on my "list". (You know...that list that you eventually end up chucking after a while, but in the beginning you compare everyone to it?) I'm not delusional about "what we were". I knew we were just beginning to become friends, but he quit before we really got to know each other. And it was...painful. Mainly because he built me up, just to drop me.
Luckily I have amazing friends who listened to this story OVER and OVER, and analyzed every text, and assured me that I did NOTHING wrong. And encouraged me to NOT QUIT. Because I wanted to. Because it wasn't fun anymore. It was exactly the thing I had been avoiding for 28 years of my life.
Rejection.
He initiated most of our conversations, which was great, because no one wants to be that girl who is always the first to text. On day 9 of our friendship I had text him first, so on day 10 it was his turn. I had a hard time not starting our conversation, because I was having SO MUCH FUN talking to and getting to know him. My patience paid off when at 8:30pm I got a picture message from him, a picture of him in his work "uniform". Oh boy...! He said that his job fulfilled a childhood dream of his, and guess what...seeing him in his uniform fulfilled a childhood dream of mine. Haha! We started our usual texting banter of questions and conversation. It was his turn to ask a POINTLESS question, when he came up with this, "When was your last serious relationship?"
Oh boy...
Here it is...
Time to confess how much of a loser I am.
The conversation:
Me: Well that's not pointless!
Goliath: Sorry :)
Me: Sorry as in I don't have to answer, or sorry as in I still want to know :-)?
Goliath: Sorry it's really none of my concern.
Then I thought, "Why not just tell him! It's going to come up later anyway if we ever "become" anything other than text friends." So I told him that I've never been in a "serious" relationship. I've never even been in a NOT serious relationship. That I'd never given anyone the chance to be my "boyfriend" because I never wanted to get my heart broken. That I cry when I lose friends, and I cry when my friends lose their friends. That I cry when strangers get divorced, so I never thought I could handle a breakup! That I've had lots of GREAT "guy friends", but they never left the friend-zone.
To which he replied, "Stupid friend zone!"
The rest of the conversation:
Me: None of those guys were right for me anyway. I wasn't ready for a relationship, so it's good that they were in the friend-zone!
Goliath: I've run from every one of my relationships.
Me: Because you are a heart breaker? Or you don't want to get your heart broken?
Goliath: The latter.
Me: Aren't we a little old to be running away from relationships?
Goliath: Have you ever been walked on repeatedly?
Me: No, cause I never let it get that far. I have no desire to walk on someone, I'm just trying to find someone to walk BESIDE :)
Goliath: My ex-wife cheated on me, and I took her back.
Me: Sometimes girls suck...you shouldn't have to live through that again!
Goliath: I won't!
Me: I learned (after a hilarious series of events last summer) that I'll never "find someone" if I think no one can ever love me for me, and YOU'll never find someone, Goliath, if you think all women are going to treat you like your ex-girlfriends.
Goliath: You mean my ex-wife?
Me: Anyone that made you question if they really loved you!
He didn't reply right away, which was normal, because he sometimes got called off to do things at work. But it was only 11:30, and we always text until like 2am. I sent this text, "Should we go back to pointless questions? Or do you want to keep talking about this? Because I really am fine with either."
He didn't reply.
I got home from work and waited, and waited, and waited for a text.
Meanwhile, my 18 month old niece, (who sleeps at my house on Tuesday nights) was having AWFUL night terrors. So I'd fall asleep, and wake up to her screaming, then check my phone, and fall asleep, and wake up, and check my phone.
At 5am, I was a little delirious. I sent him this message, "For the first time ever I've been tossing and turning all night waiting for a text that is obviously NEVER coming, Did I say something wrong?"
And no reply came.
So like the idiot I am, wanting to make everything right, hoping I hadn't offended him, I messaged him at 10am the next morning, asking if I we were ok. Saying that maybe this is why we need to have a phone conversation so that he could hear the inflections I put into my words. Plus then I could see if he had a sexy Texan accent ;-)
No reply came.
So like the even BIGGER idiot I am, I sent a message at 5pm saying, "If you are busy I understand! Just shoot me a message so I know we are ok, and if we AREN'T ok, let's talk about it! I don't want our friendship to end on a bad note."
No reply came.
A few days later I text him again (We have already established that I'm an idiot...ok) and said, "Will you please respond to this so that I know you are being a comprehensive and unmitigated ass (name the movie and I'll give you a million dollars :-) ) instead of worrying that you are floating in a river waiting for someone with night vision goggles to come find you." (The river and night vision goggles were in reference to a conversation we had had...I wasn't just being morbid...haha)
No reply came.
Day 10 was our last conversation.
He never talked to me again.
I'm sure most people are thinking..."You only talked for 10 days...big deal!"
But it WAS a big deal. HE was a big deal.
He was the first guy to pay attention to me, to flatter me, to act like he cared, that made me feel worthwhile! Plus he fit a lot of the things on my "list". (You know...that list that you eventually end up chucking after a while, but in the beginning you compare everyone to it?) I'm not delusional about "what we were". I knew we were just beginning to become friends, but he quit before we really got to know each other. And it was...painful. Mainly because he built me up, just to drop me.
Luckily I have amazing friends who listened to this story OVER and OVER, and analyzed every text, and assured me that I did NOTHING wrong. And encouraged me to NOT QUIT. Because I wanted to. Because it wasn't fun anymore. It was exactly the thing I had been avoiding for 28 years of my life.
Rejection.
The first is always the most painful. It doesn't matter the circumstances. I hate that your first experience of opening yourself up was so painful but look what has happened since. YOU are confident and unafraid. You put it all out there. Open and honest! You are having fun and laughing. That is what it's all about...the search. You are putting everything into it and I think you are finding joy in the adventure.
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